Good Marriage Advice for Women

Kristin Armstrong, former wife of Lance Armstrong, wrote a great article called “What I wish I had known about marriage”. This article talks about what Kristin wishes she knew when she got married. She basically stresses the importance of women remaining true to themselves. I couldn’t agree with her more. It’s funny. I got lots of advice, especially from older women on what not to do. And a lot of it centered on catering to my husband or not being true to me. It was like I needed to play a role to be a good, subservient wife. For example, I was told that I need to cook for my man or make his plate, which I don’t have a problem with doing sometimes but cooking is not my thing. If my hubby was marrying me to cook, well he married the wrong one. However, I never disguised my true feelings about cooking and so he knew this fact about me since we first met each other. I was even told that I shouldn’t express my concerns and worries about his family and my religion (Buddhism). He came from a strict Christian family where his step-dad was a pastor. I was instructed not to worry him with these concerns because men aren’t strong enough to handle these things and it might make him feel like he has to choose. Whoa! Well, I kindly and respectfully told this woman, whom I respected greatly, that my future husband (at that time) and I didn’t roll like that. We told each other everything – good and bad, especially if it was something that was bothering one of us. And the family and religion situation worked out. In fact, my husband chose my religion on his own. Plus, I am not a believer that men aren’t strong, especially Black men. I know that my man is strong and I’d rather push him to be strong rather then play to his lesser self.

I’m just not a big believer in being inauthentic. If there is one thing that most people will say about me, including my husband, is that I’m just me! I don’t always do the easiest thing or take the least challenging road. If something doesn’t make sense to me, then I question it. If I’m uncomfortable with a situation or behavior, I speak up! I know plenty of women that allow certain types of treatment (and its scary to me) but I feel sorry for them. Either they don’t know what type of treatment to accept and reject or they are not strong enough or love themselves enough to demand better. I’ve actually seen this situation recently and I’ve been appalled.

My father gave me some good advice a long time ago. Shoot, I think he told me these words of wisdom before I started college. He said “honey, don’t ever start nothing with a man that you aren’t prepared to continue.” In other words, don’t do anything that you aren’t comfortable continuing because a man will expect something if you do it in the beginning. Thus, for me, a non-cooker, I never tried to woo a man with my cooking or front like I enjoy cooking. Cooking was done on special occasions only. Or if I had something on my mind, I’d say it and worry about the consequences later. I’d rather be the “crazy one” that he dated then get wrapped up with a fool that I can’t talk to or openly express myself.

Although I love my husband dearly, he isn’t worth the death of me – the only person that I truly know. He also isn’t worth me giving up my life. My husband and I have created a new life together with shared goals, viewpoints, and expectations. And I know that I haven’t given up my true self to be with him. I think it is important to be conscious and in the moment. As women, we have to evaluate for ourselves what feels right.

Even now with the big question looming in the room - - are you having children? My father is telling me that I don’t have to have children. He knows how important my goals are to me. He wants me to evaluate this big question for myself and for my marriage. He is trying to tell me (in his own way) that I don’t have to have children unless it is right for me and my husband and not to do it because people think I should. He is lifting the expectation. And my husband and I are continuing to navigate this question and this thing called marriage for ourselves. All I know is that I am navigating it with the true me and that includes what I’m comfortable with, my goals, my dreams, my loves - - which include my husband and our new life together!!